Expect the unexpected?

It was a very weird and surreal feeling hearing from someone I hadn't spoken to in over 4 months. Especially since our last conversation didn't end on a friendly note. What a strange feeling...

Wow...

I think I am finally feeling normal again! After months of just feeling off track, I am starting to feel like my life is falling back into place. Thank goodness!! I am still trying to work some stuff out, but I am so excited about summer with the kids and with friends. I am also excited about these classes that I am taking and that I am that much closer to completing my degree! I have a lot to look forward to and so much to be thankful for!! Life is good!

I miss you...

I really, really do...

Is normal possible?

It is so exhausting staying mad, but I can't help it...I wish that I could. Being sad is too emotionally draining...but I seem to linger in between periods of both feelings with brief spurts of feeling kind of normal and happy (is it really happy though? IDK). It has been nothing but a roller coaster of emotions. I just want to feel completely normal again, but is that even possible? It's been a long time since I have felt normal...what does that even mean? UGH! I wish I could just snap my fingers and undo all that's been done...and go back to...IDK...something that isn't so exhausting or draining...My anxiety has been in high gear and I haven't been able to keep focus...little things keep tripping me up and distracting me. It is very counterproductive and that is exactly where I DON'T need to be right now. Can someone please help me???

HA!

You are full of crap and full of yourself! I am tired of going over in my mind what about what it was that I did wrong...and you know what? I can't find where I went wrong except that I cared TOO MUCH! I had too much invested and that is where I fucked up! I let you make me think that I was doing something wrong when it wasn't me at all. It was YOU the entire time. I swore I would never let anyone do that to me, treat me that way, talk to me like that. I am getting over it all, no matter how painful it is or how long it takes. Everyday that I can get through fighting the urge to think about you or talk to you is a milestone for me. I can't believe I let you get to me like this. But one day I will wake up and there will not be a thought of you in my mind and the piece of my heart that I gave to you and you shattered will be healed over. I believed that we would be a part of each other's lives forever, just like you said, but that was all part of the big lie. I can't believe how blind and stupid I was. One week down and a lifetime to go...

This is for you...

Because I will always care...

My Wish by Rascal Flatts

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.
But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

You aren't the same...

It's funny how the changes someone goes through can be so drastic...even though we spoke almost daily I didn't see the change right away. I wish I had. But let me say, "Thanks!" Thanks for helping me realize what I have been taking for granted. This life that I have and my family have been here all along and I thought I was looking for something else. I don't know what it was I thought I was missing, but now that I have opened up my eyes I can see that what was missing was, ME...from my own life. Somewhere along the way, I checked out. I am glad I found my way back and I am checking back in. It's a hard transition, but I am doing it. The only thing I can do is take one day at a time...

Fearless by Colbie Caillat

Sometimes it is someone else's words that can say exactly what's in your heart...


If that's the way you love
You've got to learn so much
If that's the way you say good-bye

And this is how it ends
And I'm alright within
Never going to see me cry
Cause I've cried

So go on go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
There's nothing you can do to me
That's ever going to burn me

So go on go on and leave my love
Out on the street
I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless fearless

If this is how it hurts
It couldn't get much worse
If this is how it feels to fall

Then that's the way it is
We live with what we miss
We learn to build another wall
Till it falls

So go on go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
There's nothing you can do to me
That's ever going to burn me

So go on go on and leave my love
Out on the street
I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless fearless

If it's between love and losing
To never have known the feeling
And I'm still sad we've loved

And if I end up lonely
At least I will be there knowing
I believe in love

Go on go on break my heart
I'll be okay
I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless fearless

Go on go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
There's nothing you can do to me
That's ever going to burn me

So go on go on and leave my love
Out on the street
I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless

So go on and leave my love
Go on and leave my love
Go on and leave my love
Better believe i'm fearless fearless
Fearless....

sometimes

The worst place to be is alone in your thoughts. My mind is racing in all of these different directions. This is a dangerous place for me to be because of the anxiety it causes. And most of the time it is unwarranted. It is a crazy and dangerous place...but a place I can't escape from...

Strange, yet familiar...

I often find myself back in this same place, as if traveling in circles along the same path and as I travel along this same path, I encounter the same disappointments and unmet expectations. It makes perfect sense since I haven't made a change in my path to affect the eventual outcome. Wow...

To make any sort of adjustment may have repercussions that affect not only me, but 5 lives around me. How could I be so selfish to even think of causing an upheaval?

It's this rut I am in, that I constantly find myself in. So disappointed in myself for not achieving goals I have set for myself. I am in a self indulgent pity party of one.

AGH! Gotta get out of this funk...

Happy 2010!

We're 5 days in and I feel like we are 5 months in! And I am stuck...so many thoughts swimming in my head and I want to put them all down. But I am stuck in a rut. I've tried numerous times over the past few days to blog about so many things, so many thoughts but I can't find the right words. I've been inspired by someone but at the same time humbled. I think it's the humbled part that makes me feel like I am at a loss for words. So now I am just consumed with trying to sort through these thoughts...maybe later or another day...I was hoping that if I just started typing that something would come to me and I could just go off of that. This is probably my third attempt today at this blog and I don't think I am off to a successful start...hahaha...let me collect these thoughts and get back to you!