I can't say that it was a great year, and I know that it could have definitely been worse. I still have my family and my health. We have a roof over our heads and hubby and I have jobs...which is more than a lot of people might be able to say.
We have our friends who have been our constant support. Every year we build our roots here we meet more and more people that really become more than just acquaintances. We are blessed.
This past year has been very emotional and painful from the start...and as I am seeing...til the end. We made the very difficult choice to sell our house (at a major loss) and move into a rental. The stress of dealing with our lenders (and a crooked lawyer to whom we lost thousands of $$) for over 18 months is gone. Alleluia!! Now we need to work to get the rest of our lives together to move forward and make more positive changes in our lives!! Last year I learned how to say NO and not be the volunteer junkie I was...I enjoyed every minute of not having my time stretched to the limits and I enjoyed being able to be a parent to my kids. In 2010 hubby and I will work together to get back on our feet so that in the future we can become homeowners again! It is so awesome to think that it is a possibility especially after the year that has passed.
Personally...I am going to try desperately to leave some very emotional scars behind. Over the last few months things have come up that caused me great grief as a teenager. Daily, I feel like I have to tackle these demons that keep haunting me. Each day that passes I think to myself that's one day down. Sometimes it seems like it gets easier, while other days I feel like I can hardly breathe. My husband and my kids keep me going and remind me of this great life and family I have now...all as a result of how I grew up. Everything happens for a reason and I have to remember that. My goal is just to take one day at a time and to remember to breathe. I can't deny the past but I cannot let it consume my life. Here's to looking forward with my hubby, my kids and my friends...Happy New Year!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
An apology...
It's weird to post an apology to someone who will probably never see it but at the same time I hope that it gives me the peace that I need have a sense of closure. Why, might you ask, don't I just go directly to this person and apologize? The best answer is that I don't think they would feel the apology was sincere. It is not at all like me to act in an uncontrolled and erratic manner, but this person has really brought about these intense emotions that I have not really experienced before. Some hurtful things were said (and really crazy, nonsensical things...much to my regret). Words cannot be taken back and for that, I am sorry. I just wish that *you* can understand where I am coming from and what I am feeling. So much of this is just beyond words. Losing a friendship is so much like a break up and the hurt is so deep and real. We were good friends many moons ago and were on the road to rebuilding that friendship but things got in the way. Things that we both knew couldn't be ignored. That caused us both great hurt...and I know that it caught me completely by surprise. I imagine it was the same for you.
Anyway, I am sorry that our friendship couldn't get over this hurdle. I hope that one day when we find each other again, we can start over again. We can find a place where we can make our friendship work. I also want to let you know that I know that a lot of this is my fault. You could argue that I wanted it this way, yes I thought this would be the adult, responsible way to go. You didn't fight me on it so it had to be right. When I realized it was the wrong way to go, too much damage was done. For that I am sorry too.
So much to say...but for many reasons can't...I might have to revisit this to get the closure I feel I need...until then...
Anyway, I am sorry that our friendship couldn't get over this hurdle. I hope that one day when we find each other again, we can start over again. We can find a place where we can make our friendship work. I also want to let you know that I know that a lot of this is my fault. You could argue that I wanted it this way, yes I thought this would be the adult, responsible way to go. You didn't fight me on it so it had to be right. When I realized it was the wrong way to go, too much damage was done. For that I am sorry too.
So much to say...but for many reasons can't...I might have to revisit this to get the closure I feel I need...until then...
Friday, December 4, 2009
I am thankful...
for the many blessings I have in my life. I am thankful for my loving husband who does so much for our family without complaint. I am thankful for my four beautiful children, each with unique gifts of their own who make this life worth living. I am thankful for all of our friends who we have grown close to and have helped us through one of the toughest years just by being there. I am thankful for family near and far and even though we don't see each other as often as we'd like when we do get together it's like we were never apart!
I am thankful for the job that I have (and LOVE) and that we have a roof over our head; that we have food in our pantry, clothes to keep us warm. It's all material but not taken for granted.
I am thankful for the job that I have (and LOVE) and that we have a roof over our head; that we have food in our pantry, clothes to keep us warm. It's all material but not taken for granted.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
How sad...
...that I haven't blogged in forever! I always think about it, but when I am able to get around to it, I've either forgotten what I wanted to blog about or when I have the time to sit down I don't feel inspired. Tonight is a strange night for me. I've been sick for the past few days so I have had trouble going to sleep. Lying in bed waiting for sleep to overcome me, my mind just races and boy the things that come to mind!! So I thought I would try to come and put some of those things down. I guess I just feel like I still need to get comfortable posting things and putting them out there and not really caring about what people might think.
So anyway, I think my friends that are Twilight junkies like myself might enjoy this post. Kind of a parallel to my life that I picked up on while reading the book, New Moon. I love the whole series because I really feel like I can relate with the teenage angst that Bella goes through with having these strong feelings for a boy that she knows deep down inside she probably shouldn't have. But it is also that whole Romeo and Juliette...forbidden love. Those of us who are hopeless romantics at heart get sucked into these love stories...believable or not.
Back to the part that really affected me...in the woods when Edward was breaking up with Bella he was very deliberate in what he said to her. He tries to make her angry and convinces her that he no longer wants her. Then he tells her that it would be as if he never existed. WTH!! If only he ripped out her heart so she wouldn't feel him in there right?? So she goes into this stupor, which in the book was so descriptive that I swear I was there with her wandering the forest in the dark getting lost and discouraged but not really caring because I was numb along with Bella. When she is finally at home she is in this major depression (as if I never existed, my ass). She clings to memories of Edward and of course, all traces of him are gone! Pictures, CD's, gone. She had no more tangible mementos of this great love.
So this is where it relates to things in my life...our memories are what we have that proves what happened in the past was real and not imagined. Sometimes when it is something so painful we push those memories out. If we are lucky, we don't have tangible mementos of those things. Tangible being pictures, notes, or cards...anything like that. Sometimes we might come across subtle reminders but are able to disregard them and push them away. Every now and then we might come across something that is not so easy to dismiss. When we reminisce in the past we don't often remember the bad stuff first. We remember all the good then the bad might start to surface because it came out of the good. (How's that for speaking cryptically?) Without getting into too much detail, because most of the details don't matter much anymore. I've recently been catching up with some childhood friends. It's awesome seeing where everyone is at in their lives, where they've been and what not. They are my tangible memories that something both good AND bad happened. Something that I have successfully pushed out for 20+years is now back...I wouldn't go as far as saying haunting me, but more of...Crap this really did happen WTH! A friend asked if I thought they symbolized grief in my past and I said yes. But more than that they symbolized hope toward my later teen years, and even now because we have all been able to connect with these childhood friends that we haven't seen in forever!
So anyway back to the book. Bella figures out a way that she can bring back proof that this great love Edward existed. Our difference here is that I am trying to lay it to rest while she is trying to bring him back. And so life goes on. Reconnecting with these friends and getting to know them is the best way to let all of it go. We are so different from who we were years ago. I've come to realize that all that has happened in the past makes me the person I am today, whether it was good or bad. I am just working on accepting it as it is and just letting the bad go...
So anyway, I think my friends that are Twilight junkies like myself might enjoy this post. Kind of a parallel to my life that I picked up on while reading the book, New Moon. I love the whole series because I really feel like I can relate with the teenage angst that Bella goes through with having these strong feelings for a boy that she knows deep down inside she probably shouldn't have. But it is also that whole Romeo and Juliette...forbidden love. Those of us who are hopeless romantics at heart get sucked into these love stories...believable or not.
Back to the part that really affected me...in the woods when Edward was breaking up with Bella he was very deliberate in what he said to her. He tries to make her angry and convinces her that he no longer wants her. Then he tells her that it would be as if he never existed. WTH!! If only he ripped out her heart so she wouldn't feel him in there right?? So she goes into this stupor, which in the book was so descriptive that I swear I was there with her wandering the forest in the dark getting lost and discouraged but not really caring because I was numb along with Bella. When she is finally at home she is in this major depression (as if I never existed, my ass). She clings to memories of Edward and of course, all traces of him are gone! Pictures, CD's, gone. She had no more tangible mementos of this great love.
So this is where it relates to things in my life...our memories are what we have that proves what happened in the past was real and not imagined. Sometimes when it is something so painful we push those memories out. If we are lucky, we don't have tangible mementos of those things. Tangible being pictures, notes, or cards...anything like that. Sometimes we might come across subtle reminders but are able to disregard them and push them away. Every now and then we might come across something that is not so easy to dismiss. When we reminisce in the past we don't often remember the bad stuff first. We remember all the good then the bad might start to surface because it came out of the good. (How's that for speaking cryptically?) Without getting into too much detail, because most of the details don't matter much anymore. I've recently been catching up with some childhood friends. It's awesome seeing where everyone is at in their lives, where they've been and what not. They are my tangible memories that something both good AND bad happened. Something that I have successfully pushed out for 20+years is now back...I wouldn't go as far as saying haunting me, but more of...Crap this really did happen WTH! A friend asked if I thought they symbolized grief in my past and I said yes. But more than that they symbolized hope toward my later teen years, and even now because we have all been able to connect with these childhood friends that we haven't seen in forever!
So anyway back to the book. Bella figures out a way that she can bring back proof that this great love Edward existed. Our difference here is that I am trying to lay it to rest while she is trying to bring him back. And so life goes on. Reconnecting with these friends and getting to know them is the best way to let all of it go. We are so different from who we were years ago. I've come to realize that all that has happened in the past makes me the person I am today, whether it was good or bad. I am just working on accepting it as it is and just letting the bad go...
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
New Chances
Ok...so I bought this journal a few weeks ago while browsing in Barnes and Noble. I came upon this book while on the phone with my husband crying because I was mourning a choice that we made together that would give us back our lives, seriously. What continues to gnaw at me is that some of the people around us don't realize the sacrifices we've made in the past and continue to downplay our decision. But I digress, I came upon this journal and the first page it opened up to had this Psalm...
"God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before Him....
God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to His eyes."
Psalm 18:20, 24 The Message
It has two other Bible passages but the journal prompt really got to me as well...
"God puts each fresh morning, each new chance of life, into our hands as a gift."
I knew at that moment that no matter what anyone else thought, the decision that Phillip and I made was the right one for us. We've known for a while now that certain changes in our lives needed to be made. It took a while to realize what those changes needed to be. We see now that the benefit will be to our family and our marriage, rather than to the benefit of others.
We have spent a good portion of the last several years volunteering for different organizations involving our children. We rationalized that we were doing this for our kids...and we really were. It became a burden when we felt like we were doing more for everyone else's children than we were for our own kids. Now, please don't get me wrong. I enjoy being involved in programs for the kids, but it got to the point where no one else was volunteering and it almost became our obligation. It was a difficult decision to step away because of the relationships we've created with other families, but we needed to make a change for our family.
So for now, as I sort through these emotions of letting go and moving forward I anticipate the mornings where I can start the day anew and appreciate the Gifts the God has given me.
I just wanted to share a special moment real quick...Last week I was having an especially hard week with my own children and these outside influences of the "things" I am trying to release. When I go to work, I have to really take a moment to be by myself so that whatever is bothering me doesn't carry on through my day. (BTW, I work with 36 of the most wonderful Kindergartners...truly!) When I went into the hallway to start greeting the many Kindergartners who were sooo excited about the day (Valentine's Day Party!) I was overwhelmed by smiling faces and the ringing of, "Good Morning, Mrs. Rogers!" Even thinking of the moment now brings tears to my eyes. They are truly a reflection of God's never-ending Love!
"God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before Him....
God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to His eyes."
Psalm 18:20, 24 The Message
It has two other Bible passages but the journal prompt really got to me as well...
"God puts each fresh morning, each new chance of life, into our hands as a gift."
I knew at that moment that no matter what anyone else thought, the decision that Phillip and I made was the right one for us. We've known for a while now that certain changes in our lives needed to be made. It took a while to realize what those changes needed to be. We see now that the benefit will be to our family and our marriage, rather than to the benefit of others.
We have spent a good portion of the last several years volunteering for different organizations involving our children. We rationalized that we were doing this for our kids...and we really were. It became a burden when we felt like we were doing more for everyone else's children than we were for our own kids. Now, please don't get me wrong. I enjoy being involved in programs for the kids, but it got to the point where no one else was volunteering and it almost became our obligation. It was a difficult decision to step away because of the relationships we've created with other families, but we needed to make a change for our family.
So for now, as I sort through these emotions of letting go and moving forward I anticipate the mornings where I can start the day anew and appreciate the Gifts the God has given me.
I just wanted to share a special moment real quick...Last week I was having an especially hard week with my own children and these outside influences of the "things" I am trying to release. When I go to work, I have to really take a moment to be by myself so that whatever is bothering me doesn't carry on through my day. (BTW, I work with 36 of the most wonderful Kindergartners...truly!) When I went into the hallway to start greeting the many Kindergartners who were sooo excited about the day (Valentine's Day Party!) I was overwhelmed by smiling faces and the ringing of, "Good Morning, Mrs. Rogers!" Even thinking of the moment now brings tears to my eyes. They are truly a reflection of God's never-ending Love!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
A cup of frustration, anyone?
Oh yes, I'll take two actually. What a week this has been...and it isn't quite over yet. I am having a week where everything that can go wrong is going wrong...now I know it could be worse and I am thankful that things aren't as bad as they could be, but still...The icing on the cake is that the handle on our truck is broken! We can't open the trunk, argh! That's a problem considering 4 kids and 4 heavy backpacks. Throw in a few carpoolers and the seats get crowded quickly. The kids have been decent sports about this and were looking forward to being able to use the trunk after school until I found out this morning that to repair this pesky problem would cost us $300. Apparently this isn't an unusual problem! Oh how I wish we had automatic lifting doors now!
Well...here's to a relaxing and restful long weekend!
Well...here's to a relaxing and restful long weekend!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
To Blog or Not to Blog...
That is the question...isn't it? For many years I have enjoyed lurking around different blogs. I enjoyed reading about the happenings in other people's lives or just getting insight about the world around them. Seeing the world through someone else's eyes was always interesting to me. Who knows if anyone else will find me as interesting as I find them...I don't know why but that is what has kept me from blogging myself. Self doubt, or the thought that someone might not like what I have to say...'stuff' like that that I know I just need to get over.
In the past week, I've let go of something that has been part of my life for the last 3 years. It was a huge part of my life, even bigger that I thought, because of the friends that I made and because now that I look at my calendar, in essence, with two words (I quit) my calendar cleared and all of these dates that were blacked out before are now wide open. Now just to clarify...I quit weren't specifically the two words I used. I felt the need to go into huge detail and I wanted to be sure to acknowledge all of the people that touched our lives. It wasn't an easy decision, but it was a necessary one...for my sanity, for my family...for myself.
So...now to fill up those empty time slots in my calendar...I felt like I wanted to do something for myself. This is something I have always wanted to do. There is always some emotional release of putting what I am thinking or what I am feeling into words. I've always wondered what it would be like to immerse myself into a world of unknown...and little by little freeing these little pieces of me...
In the past week, I've let go of something that has been part of my life for the last 3 years. It was a huge part of my life, even bigger that I thought, because of the friends that I made and because now that I look at my calendar, in essence, with two words (I quit) my calendar cleared and all of these dates that were blacked out before are now wide open. Now just to clarify...I quit weren't specifically the two words I used. I felt the need to go into huge detail and I wanted to be sure to acknowledge all of the people that touched our lives. It wasn't an easy decision, but it was a necessary one...for my sanity, for my family...for myself.
So...now to fill up those empty time slots in my calendar...I felt like I wanted to do something for myself. This is something I have always wanted to do. There is always some emotional release of putting what I am thinking or what I am feeling into words. I've always wondered what it would be like to immerse myself into a world of unknown...and little by little freeing these little pieces of me...
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