An apology...

It's weird to post an apology to someone who will probably never see it but at the same time I hope that it gives me the peace that I need have a sense of closure. Why, might you ask, don't I just go directly to this person and apologize? The best answer is that I don't think they would feel the apology was sincere. It is not at all like me to act in an uncontrolled and erratic manner, but this person has really brought about these intense emotions that I have not really experienced before. Some hurtful things were said (and really crazy, nonsensical things...much to my regret). Words cannot be taken back and for that, I am sorry. I just wish that *you* can understand where I am coming from and what I am feeling. So much of this is just beyond words. Losing a friendship is so much like a break up and the hurt is so deep and real. We were good friends many moons ago and were on the road to rebuilding that friendship but things got in the way. Things that we both knew couldn't be ignored. That caused us both great hurt...and I know that it caught me completely by surprise. I imagine it was the same for you.

Anyway, I am sorry that our friendship couldn't get over this hurdle. I hope that one day when we find each other again, we can start over again. We can find a place where we can make our friendship work. I also want to let you know that I know that a lot of this is my fault. You could argue that I wanted it this way, yes I thought this would be the adult, responsible way to go. You didn't fight me on it so it had to be right. When I realized it was the wrong way to go, too much damage was done. For that I am sorry too.

So much to say...but for many reasons can't...I might have to revisit this to get the closure I feel I need...until then...