Good bye to 2009...

I can't say that it was a great year, and I know that it could have definitely been worse. I still have my family and my health. We have a roof over our heads and hubby and I have jobs...which is more than a lot of people might be able to say.

We have our friends who have been our constant support. Every year we build our roots here we meet more and more people that really become more than just acquaintances. We are blessed.

This past year has been very emotional and painful from the start...and as I am seeing...til the end. We made the very difficult choice to sell our house (at a major loss) and move into a rental. The stress of dealing with our lenders (and a crooked lawyer to whom we lost thousands of $$) for over 18 months is gone. Alleluia!! Now we need to work to get the rest of our lives together to move forward and make more positive changes in our lives!! Last year I learned how to say NO and not be the volunteer junkie I was...I enjoyed every minute of not having my time stretched to the limits and I enjoyed being able to be a parent to my kids. In 2010 hubby and I will work together to get back on our feet so that in the future we can become homeowners again! It is so awesome to think that it is a possibility especially after the year that has passed.

Personally...I am going to try desperately to leave some very emotional scars behind. Over the last few months things have come up that caused me great grief as a teenager. Daily, I feel like I have to tackle these demons that keep haunting me. Each day that passes I think to myself that's one day down. Sometimes it seems like it gets easier, while other days I feel like I can hardly breathe. My husband and my kids keep me going and remind me of this great life and family I have now...all as a result of how I grew up. Everything happens for a reason and I have to remember that. My goal is just to take one day at a time and to remember to breathe. I can't deny the past but I cannot let it consume my life. Here's to looking forward with my hubby, my kids and my friends...Happy New Year!

An apology...

It's weird to post an apology to someone who will probably never see it but at the same time I hope that it gives me the peace that I need have a sense of closure. Why, might you ask, don't I just go directly to this person and apologize? The best answer is that I don't think they would feel the apology was sincere. It is not at all like me to act in an uncontrolled and erratic manner, but this person has really brought about these intense emotions that I have not really experienced before. Some hurtful things were said (and really crazy, nonsensical things...much to my regret). Words cannot be taken back and for that, I am sorry. I just wish that *you* can understand where I am coming from and what I am feeling. So much of this is just beyond words. Losing a friendship is so much like a break up and the hurt is so deep and real. We were good friends many moons ago and were on the road to rebuilding that friendship but things got in the way. Things that we both knew couldn't be ignored. That caused us both great hurt...and I know that it caught me completely by surprise. I imagine it was the same for you.

Anyway, I am sorry that our friendship couldn't get over this hurdle. I hope that one day when we find each other again, we can start over again. We can find a place where we can make our friendship work. I also want to let you know that I know that a lot of this is my fault. You could argue that I wanted it this way, yes I thought this would be the adult, responsible way to go. You didn't fight me on it so it had to be right. When I realized it was the wrong way to go, too much damage was done. For that I am sorry too.

So much to say...but for many reasons can't...I might have to revisit this to get the closure I feel I need...until then...

I am thankful...

for the many blessings I have in my life. I am thankful for my loving husband who does so much for our family without complaint. I am thankful for my four beautiful children, each with unique gifts of their own who make this life worth living. I am thankful for all of our friends who we have grown close to and have helped us through one of the toughest years just by being there. I am thankful for family near and far and even though we don't see each other as often as we'd like when we do get together it's like we were never apart!

I am thankful for the job that I have (and LOVE) and that we have a roof over our head; that we have food in our pantry, clothes to keep us warm. It's all material but not taken for granted.